Monday, March 11, 2023 at 10 pm
It has been two posts and three days since I started this blog, and I already feel like quitting. I decided to log in and create this post so that I can at least do some self-analysis. It would be great to say the sun is shining, and I have been basking in its glory, and I smelled all the roses today. It has not been that way.
Reflecting on the day, I am not proud of what I accomplished. I was still scrolling YouTube for podcasts while working, and then when I was done working, I watched reaction videos for an hour. I did end up going for a walk for 30 minutes but then committed to watching more reaction videos on Reddit stories.
I constantly think to myself, “Is this how I want to live?” The answer is no. I don’t want to be in a world where my life is constantly on screens without contributing something new. I don’t want to live a life where projects are done within 48 hours of a deadline on three hours of sleep. It’s not sustainable or satisfying. I feel like I am continually relapsing on the same drug – the internet. I have watched YouTube videos on becoming a minimalist with the internet and followed r/Productivity on Reddit. These two places are my vices, yet I go to them for help. I guess it is pretty similar to an alcoholic going to a bar for sobriety lessons. He would probably get a lot of good advice from people struggling to get out but never get out because it’s his social structure.
I need to change. But as far as I can remember, I have been entertained by the internet. I have no real hobbies. When I look up hobbies, it doesn’t interest me. The sad thing is, when individuals retire they are very likely to keep the same leisure activities they did when they were in the workforce. It means to me that I need to change today and get out of this hamster wheel before it is too late. I don’t want to spend my wealthiest years in a room watching images flash across a screen. I am currently spending my healthiest years doing this.
Here is the thing: how do you motivate something that doesn’t have a purpose? I need to have a push movement rather than a pull movement. When I was pursuing my Bachelor’s and Master’s, it was a push movement. It was a feeling of necessity. It had to get done because no one would do it for me. I also had small incremental milestones in the form of tests, quizzes, exams and group work that would motivate me along. Getting a 35% on my first midterm in my Bachelor’s motivated me and didn’t dissuade me from getting on the Dean’s list for each term following. Why can’t I apply that tenacity to my life?
Truth be told, maybe I don’t want to change. It’s a pretty sweet gig being entertained for eight hours of the day and there is no fear of failure here. There is guilt, regret, and lost dreams, but it is a comfort zone. I have built a cacoon of doing the bare minimum and letting myself be okay with the results. I have had an okay life so far. Why mess up the recipe?
Still, that nagging feeling that there is a greater purpose for my life haunts me. It is a get-up-and-do-something pull but in an aimless direction. What am I going to do with this? I have continued to drown it out, and it comes back in waves. It comes back as a desire to pack my bags and leave this cushy office life behind. Take a risk. Jump out of a plane with a parachute. Get an adrenaline rush. Let my body be sore from hiking up the fjords. Book a trip to Greece and lay on the beach for the week. Go “screw you” to every sensible thing that you have known.
There has to be a balance. It could be becoming a nomad for the next 10 years and reflecting on it. It could be becoming a workaholic and neglecting family events for it. It could be becoming way too family-centred and complaining that the most recent property tax increases are forcing you and your family to move. Is there a fair game? I don’t know. Most people in their 50s and 40s act like we shouldn’t rush our early adult years but, at the same time, have no issue saddling themselves with responsibility. Is anyone happy?
I need to start being okay and happy with myself first. I can’t change anyone but can change how I react to situations. As much as I am disappointed with my progress in life so far, each day is a day to succeed or not. Today, I would say I did not succeed. I avoided the list I typed out yesterday. It was out of not trusting myself actually to do it. I have let myself down on days I said I would do the laundry, clean the bathroom, finish an assignment, quit drinking, have three meals a day, and the list of things I haven’t done for myself can go on and on. If you had a friend who kept flaking out on plans, you would stop making plans with them; that is how I have treated myself.
I wish I could flip a switch or download a new software program to try out being someone else for a day. Someone who has built the stamina to complete their interests. Imagine if I could replace my desire to be zombified by the internet to be a professional athlete. I think I would like that. I would enjoy team building and challenging myself against the time. Why haven’t I? I don’t have an answer. It’s not fear of rejection. It’s fear of letting myself down? Not social anxiety but knowing that I will be too scared to introduce people to my true self?
Regarding the goals I set yesterday, here is a reminder of what they were.
- Wake up at 7 am every day – at least an hour before I leave for work.
- Practice good hygiene as the first thing to do after waking up. If I don’t do this, I feel gross all day.
- Go outside once a day – it doesn’t matter for how long. Yes, I am a vampire who has stayed indoors for at least three years. No, I am not exaggerating.
- Drink water instead of juice, energy drinks, and coffee.
The first goal was not accomplished. I woke up at 8 a.m., which meant another rushed morning trying to get out the door. I have mitigated the pain in the past by getting my clothes ready the night before, but I have now arranged my entire wardrobe into a capsule wardrobe, so it doesn’t matter what pants or shirts I grab; they will match.
I have realized that going to bed at one in the morning does not help me wake up at 7 am so I can have a better day the next day. I set myself up for failure by watching Harry Potter The Sorcerer’s Stone at 11 pm rather than getting myself to bed. It was a lot easier when I was a child, and my parents told me what bedtime was rather than waiting for me to act on it. In the past, I would set a reminder to go to bed on my calendar, creating a notification on my phone. It went off, and I am still typing 45 minutes after the warning. What good is a system if you don’t use it?
The second goal was accomplished today, but I will say it made me even later to work. The first goal’s failure made it a choice on whether the second goal was feasible. I did notice that rather than allowing myself to sulk in a hot shower on how sore my limbs are, I turned on the cold and the head rush of “WOW” was quite invigorating. I could only do it for five minutes. But I think that is a habit I need to keep up; it made a huge difference in my day.
The third goal was completed after work. I got a total of 4,000 steps in today, according to my smartwatch. Which is five times better than when I took 827 steps a day. It is amazing how little movement you can allow your own body to do. I think a future goal would be to get to 10,000 steps a day and to actually use my gym membership regularly. I am looking for baby steps here as I think too many goals have led to spurts of motivation, followed by months of lethargy.
My fourth goal was completed today, as I drank almost 100 ounces of water and had only one cup of coffee. This one wasn’t too hard to achieve, as I kept a full jug of water beside me at my desk to prevent me from looking for something sweet to drink. If the water is empty, the temptation is much higher.
Overall, three of my four goals were met. Before I sat down to type this, I focused only on where I failed. Now, I see that I actually achieved a lot more than what I set out to, but the non-perfect scorecard blinded me. I would like to celebrate myself, but I also feel that I am not allowed to, that this isn’t good enough by anyone’s standards.
I took a moment to pause and say to myself out loud, “You did it, you completed 3 out of 4 goals.” My thoughts on this changed. It felt satisfying. The knot in my chest about whether or not this was enough was released. Small steps can be rewarding. I just need to encourage myself like I would a friend and allow myself to hear the praise.
The goals for tomorrow are:
- Wake up at 7 am – Use a different alarm this time.
- Practice good hygiene and get fully dressed before having breakfast—no more robe breakfasts or skipping breakfasts.
- Drink the recommended amount of water – 15.5 cups for men and 11.5 for women.
- Get at least 5000 steps in by taking an additional trail path on the walk.
I might not get perfect, but without a goal, there isn’t anything concrete to strive for.
Talk to you later,
Changing One Date at a Time