Sunday, March 10 at 11 am
Andrew Huberman recommends waiting to scroll on social media until at least an hour after waking up, but ideally four hours after waking up. How did I start my day today? I woke up at 8 am and wallowed in self-misery for about 10 minutes before caving to scroll Reddit and thinking of what YouTube video to watch once I caught up on what was popular for the day.
I could blame the sites I visit for throwing me back in, but to be honest, when I went cold turkey on my most addicting sites, I would find alternatives. Asking questions of “What would the ideal couch be for my TV room?”, “How many CEOs have MBAs?” and “What was the actor from that one movie I watched two years ago?” This may not seem like the worst questions to ask, but this would lead to me web surfing for hours without contributing anything.
I have realized that no one will save me from myself, and if there were a knight in shining armour, I would probably resent them for taking my freedom of choice away. I need to make this decision independently and not take the time I have to make a change for granted. I am tired of waking up and thinking, “Is this all life has to offer?” Life has plenty to offer, it is is a balance of choice. I have been choosing wrong for too long as I could get back a lifetime if I did not pick up my phone to scroll or use my personal laptop to search random things that have no consequence to my today.
I said in my last post that each day won’t be perfect, but it will be an improvement. How has today already improved? Yesterday, I watched the entire season four of Hell’s Kitchen between 7 a.m. and 2 p.m. while lying in bed. Today, I stopped myself, got out of bed, brushed my teeth, and took a moment to reflect on what I really want out of today by blogging here. Is this perfect? No. Is it much better than yesterday? Yes. The day is still young, so I have plenty of self-will to employ in order for it to be a success.
Based on all the self-help podcasts I have listened to while I was in purgatory, waiting for me to be released from my addiction without any effort of my own, they mention it is important to set goals. I have set goals – I want abs by summer, I want to drink more water, I want to stop drinking alcohol cold turkey, I want to hang out with friends at least once a week, I want to start my own business. As I reflect, these weren’t goals but a wish to Santa Claus to grant what I thought I wanted for Christmas.
Would abs make me happy? No, but it would look like I have my life together.
Would drinking water make me happy? No, but it would sound cool to say I am super hydrated, and my skin cleared up because of it.
Would not drinking alcohol make me happy? No, parties serve it for a reason; it is a lot of fun with little effort.
Would hanging out with friends once a week make me happy? No, I think I have been hunkered in the basement too long that I am embarrassed to share any stories about my life with them. What Life?
Would starting my own business make me happy? No, I was craving a purpose and thought a business would make me look like Simon Sinek, who has his life together and talks with a bunch of cool people who also have their life together.
What would make me happy? Apparently, getting my life together is the common thread in all of these wishes.
What does it mean to get my life together? If I dig down, it won’t be anything material like having a non-serial killer life version of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Would having an icepack my face on while doing stomach crunches first thing in the morning and following that with an expensive skincare routine make a difference? Maybe. Would it be authentic? I don’t think that is me. Even Bateman wasn’t happy because he continually compared himself to colleagues and never took the time to figure out his anger issues.
All of this to say, what is my why? Why do I get up in the morning? I would say it would be my responsibility to take care of myself. However, I have allowed my self-esteem to atrophy. I have failed to put my own oxygen mask on first as I don’t think I am worth it. I can fake confidence in boardroom meetings and make a fantastic presentation. I can cover my boss’s responsibilities when he is out. I volunteer in the community weekly. But when I get home and am alone – I don’t like to spend time with myself and switch to a zombie.
If you Google how to improve self-esteem, you will most likely get recommendations for increasing positive self-talk, coming up with mantras about how you are worthy, and challenging negative emotions. When I do this, I feel like the first episode of “Mom” when Christy Plunkett is in her car trying to say positive affirmations to a tape while her life is falling apart. It has a certain level of cringe to it.
I would counter this by choosing to move forward with a small list of goals and challenge myself to achieve those goals daily. It will probably feel robotic at first, but if I can find a rhythm of self-care, maybe I can flip a switch of self-confidence that I can do this without faking it. If I can find out why I am resistant to change, either because it’s easier to stay stuck with my current problems or because I am not interested in taking care of myself, I can identify what is holding me back.
Small goals I can accomplish:
- Wake up at 7 am every day – at least an hour before I leave for work.
- Practice good hygiene as the first thing to do after waking up. If I don’t do this, I feel gross all day.
- Go outside once a day – it doesn’t matter for how long. Yes, I am a vampire who has stayed indoors for at least three years. No, I am not exaggerating.
- Drink water instead of juice, energy drinks, and coffee.
I know I can accomplish them because I have had streaks for a week where I could complete these tasks. Then I would stop. I don’t know why and that is the purpose of journalling them today.
Thanks for the read, and talk tomorrow,
Changing One Day at a Time