Well, I guess this is a shaky start to a blog. I was publishing my days on how I was going to change for the better, how I was going to reach very specific goals, and how I was going to accomplish them. Then I fell off the bandwagon and just let myself crash.
It’s like the fall for the main character at the end of the movie. You see the flash of fear, anger, and, finally, acceptance race against their face before impact. After all, what can you do? You are in free fall.
It’s got bad and then worse. I must admit my internet addiction mainly consisted of Reddit and YouTube because social media sites were the easiest to delete in my quest to quit the internet. There would be a tinge of embarrassment if people I knew saw I was back online. Instead, I lurk in the shadows, careful not to leave a digital footprint while I crave what most social media sites offer—connection.
The loneliness of not having friends has really set in for me. Friends that I had in my childhood, I had the benefit of using school every day to maintain a connection. They weren’t friends made up of mutual interest but rather convenience. I was often frustrated with the lack of shared interests and was forced to go along with what they had in mind. I remember trying to break up with them. I felt unheard. I wanted new friends who could see, hear, and not treat me like the fifth wheel. I guess my only friend has been lonely all along. In fact, I can spend days not seeing another soul in adulthood.
I want to say I don’t have social anxiety – I have a preference for being alone. It allows me to do things in private and not feel ashamed of this addiction that I am secretly feeding and harbouring. It is like trying to keep a pet hamster alive while not telling your parents. The shame of having a secret discovered may be too much. A secret of what? I have bits of irrelevant information that I dive into like it is a safety blanket. Something that will protect me from the greatest enemy, BOREDOM.
That is what I discovered when I was chronically online from people who have gone offline. The biggest issue that people face when signing off of the internet is the boredom that comes in like a huge wave, after the initial glee of being able to rebel against the system. They do say, if you can reign boredom in, the amount of creativity is endless.
Another thought that came to mind when I was binge-watching my favourite YouTube feel-good is that the key to any life change is to say no. A life change requires restriction. With restriction comes self-control. With self-control comes discipline. When you decide that there is no discipline, self-control, and restriction because your “no” isn’t big enough, the binge comes in, especially in the early stages when these binges come fast and frequently.
I have prided myself on staying slim, financially stable, and educated person. All of these things took discipline, but I did not see it that way as it was my lifestyle. I didn’t get seconds at dinner because I had enough food, not stuffed, but the bite before stuffed. I didn’t buy fancy clothes or event tickets because I could have just as much fun playing a board game with friends and family or watching the event online. I didn’t see school as hard because it was a chance to get to know a new topic that I craved.
By choosing those things, I was saying no to others. You can’t have everything in life, so you should choose what is important. I can’t say having more than five friends is important to me. It sounds like too much, as I would have to keep up with their life events, and I can only focus on so much.
How does one choose boredom? It’s not great, and it is super frustrating. You can’t choose the benefit without the side affect. Those who go to the gym for aesthetic reasons will typically end up with body dysmorphia. Those who decide to play video games all day will typically end up with poor posture. How do I decide that the side effects of boredom are worth it?
I don’t know.